scandal city

This is Pat's secret side-project fantasy. The infamous email saga of Brock Handsome and Scandal City!

8-17-05

I'm sick and tired of these "Solution Updates".

They're always the same old boring "blah blah blah", interrupted by some lame comedic banter, followed by the weekly schedule and concluded with a pretentious "final thought".

So I've decided to spice things up a bit... and thus begins the epic 'soap opera' saga I like to call "Scandal City", starring the voluptuous 'Candy Smittens', the girl next door 'Amy Lightheart', and the man-in-the-middle 'Brock Handsome'.

We pick up the story just as the tangled-web-love-triangle-thingy is about to unravel...

Amy: "Brock, you have to make a choice! Do you want to marry me or Candy?"

Brock: "Amy, you know I've always loved you... but Candy has opened my eyes to a whole new world! I just need more time to decide!"

Candy: "Oh Brock, you're almost as handsome as Mike Needer! You know that 'smalltown' Amy can't possibly give you the kind of love and excitement that you deserve! Run away with me and we'll be happy forever!"

Brock: "Let me think it over while I read you both The Solution's upcoming schedule...

Live Music: * Thurs: Mike & Rod at Nick's in Baltimore (on the deck!) at 6pm * Fri: Mike & Rod at The Holiday House in Baltimore (sweet!) at 9:30pm * Sun: Pat's at Leadbetters in Fells Point (wisdom tooth party!) at 9:30pm

DJ/Karaoke: * Fri: Kenny Z at Dellis' in White Marsh at 10pm * Sat: Jake at Brannan's in Baltimore at 9pm

Okay. I've decided... and the truth is... I don't want to marry either of you! The true 'love of my life' is.... "

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion!

Pat

8-24-05

If you deleted last week's update (which I wouldn't blame you for), then you missed the debut episode of "Scandal City", starring the voluptuous 'Candy Smittens', the girl next door 'Amy Lightheart', and the man-in-the-middle 'Brock Handsome'.

It was "A Battle of the Lightweights" as Candy and Amy clawed and begged to win over Brock Handsome at the alter. With the love triangle crumbling, his decision has been made and he was about to reveal the true 'love of his life' to the entire world...

Brock: "I've decided... and the truth is... I don't want to marry either of you! The true 'love of my life' is... DJ Mini Miss!"

Candy & Amy (in unison, with a confused look on their faces): "WHO IS THAT???"

Brock: "DJ Mini Miss is Mike's wife! You may know her as Melissa Needer... but one day she will be mine! She will be Melissa Handsome!"

Suddenly, Melissa appears from the shadows to explain her side of the story.

Melissa: "Brock, you're so childish and naive! I told you I would never leave Mike! I'm infatuated with drummers! In fact, Mike and I were just about to leave for his East Coast Tour...

Live Music: * Tonight catch Mike & Rod at The Stil in Timonium at 9:15pm * Fri. catch Mike & Pat at Reckless Ric's in Glen Burnie at 9pm * Sat. catch Mike with Charles Parker at Dellis' in White Marsh at 9pm

DJ/Karaoke: * Fri. catch DJ Kenny Z at Dellis' in White Marsh at 10pm

After Melissa shamelessly read the schedule to Brock, Mike rushed in and hit Brock over the head with a conga.

Brock was quickly swept away to a nearby hospital where he underwent hours of intense plastic surgery to repair the scars from the incident. He slipped the doctor $100 to make him look like Pat Owens.

Weeks later in a Glen Burnie courthouse...

"I swear Your Honor, that's how I ended up with an evil twin brother!"

Pat

1-4-06

I thought we'd kick off 2006 with an episode of the fastest-growing email soap opera in history, "Scandal City".

In our last episode, Brock Handsome was torn between two women: Amy Lightheart (the girl next door) and Candy Smittens (the voluptuous wild woman). However, Brock shocked the world by suddenly declaring his love for Mike's wife, Melissa. Melissa quickly shot down his declaration (due to her love of percussionists) and Mike swiftly jumped into the scene and struck Brock on the head with a conga. Brock was whisked away to a nearby hospital where he slipped $100 to his surgeon so that he could have his appearance changed to that of guitarist Pat Owens.

Little did Brock know that his first true love, high school sweetheart Moira Rhinestone, would step back into the picture.

And thus the story continues...

Moira: "Brock, what happened to you? Your face is a mess and you smell like old cabbage."

Brock: "I’m sorry Moira, but things have changed over the last couple of years. I fell in love with Amy... then Candy... then Melissa... I don't know what to do! But, let me just say, 'Damn you look good girlfriend!'"

Moira: "Don't worry, Brock. Once you get out of this hospital we'll go back to the way things were. We'll spend every night down by the lake, listening to Elvis on the jukebox at The Knotty Pine Inn and reminiscing of old times."

Brock: "Moira, you don’t understand! I don't look the same anymore! I suffered severe head trauma and for some reason I asked the surgeon to make me look like Pat Owens!"

Moira: "Pat Owens? Who the hell is Pat Owens?"

Brock: "Oh, he's just a local guitarist for The Solution. They're actually pretty good, except for their annoying drinking habit. Check out their schedule:

Live Music: * Tonight! – Pat's solo at Leadbetters in Fells Point at 9:30pm * Fri. 1/6 – Pat and Mike at The Bench in Ellicott City at 9:30pm

DJ: * Fri. 1/6 – DJ Josh at Dock of the Bay in Millers Island at 9pm * Fri. 1/6 – DJ Steve at The Hard Crab Café in Catonsville at 9:30pm * Fri. 1/6 – DJ Kenny Z at Dellis' in White Marsh at 10pm

Karaoke: * Tonight! – DJ Steve at J & B's Bar in Edgemere at 8:00pm * Tonight! – DJ Blue at Whispers in Glen Burnie at 8:30pm * Sat. 1/7 – MC Kyle E at G.L. Shack's in Catonsville at 9pm

Moira, I hope you can forgive me for screwing up my face. I don't know what I was thinking!"

Moira: "It's okay Brock, I'll pay for your plastic surgery reversal, but there's something I haven't told you..."

Brock: "What’s that?"

Moira: "I'm actually the half-evil step-sister-in-law of Candy Smittens!"

Tune in next week for the shocking conclusion!

Pat

1-12-06

It's time for our weekly series conclusion of the fastest-growing email soap opera in history, "Scandal City".

Last week the world was shocked when we found out that Brock Handsome's high school sweetheart, Moira Rhinestone, was actually the half-evil step-sister-in-law of Brock's current mistress, Candy Smittens.

Brock's disbelief sent him into a state of rage. His fury only fueled the fire of his indecision. Should Brock go back to Moira? Should he pursue Candy? Should he settle on his former love, Amy Lightheart? Should he reverse his plastic surgery so that he no longer looks like Pat Owens? He finally decides to call Mike Needer for help. Let's see how the story unfolds...

Brock: "Mike, I know you hit me over the head with a conga in a previous epidsode, but I'm not mad. In fact, I desperately need your help."

Mike: "Are you stupid? You just declared your love for my wife last week you son of a b&%$@!!! I'm not helping you."

Brock: "Mike, you're my only hope! Please don't turn your back on me now! I just found out that Moira is the half-evil step-sister-in-law of Candy Smittens!"

Mike: "That doesn't even make sense."

Brock: "How can I trust Moira any longer?"

Mike: "Look Brock, I'm really busy figuring out our weekend schedule right now... and besides, your dilemma is really stupid."

Brock: "Oh! You're writing the weekend schedule? What shows do you have coming up?"

Mike: "Funny you should ask...

Live Music: * Thu. 1/12: Rod & Mike at The Stil in Timonium at 9pm * Sat. 1/14: Dan joins Pat & Mike as Old School plays at Kelsey's in Catonsville at 10pm * Sun. 1/15: Pat's solo at Leadbetters at 9:30pm

DJ: * Fri. 1/13: DJ Blue at Dock of the Bay in Millers Island at 9pm * Fri. 1/13: DJ Steve at Hard Crab Cafe in Catonsville at 9:30pm * Fri. 1/13: DJ Kenny Z at Dellis' in White Marsh at 10pm * Sat. 1/14: DJ Steve at Dock of the Bay in Millers Island at 9pm * Sat. 1/14: DJ Kenny Z at J & B's in Edgemere at 9pm

Brock, you're always so dramatic about everything! I think you should just start from scratch and forget about all those other women. In other words, crawl back to Amy Lightheart and beg for her forgiveness. And for goodness sake, do something about your face. You look terrible... did you get plastic surgery or something?"

Brock: "I thought you would like it! I'm trying to look like Pat Owens."

Mike: "Bad idea, dude. You really are dumber than you look, which is actually quite an anomoly considering you look like Pat."

Brock: "Anyway, thanks for the advice Mike. How can I ever repay you?"

Mike: "Well... you could do me a favor."

Brock: "Anything, Mike! Just name it!"

Mike: "Say hi to Dad for me..."

Brock: "What???"

Mike: "Yes Brock, it's true! I can't hide it any longer! I'm actually your 1/4 evil, 1/4 handsome, 1/2 percussionist brother... and I'm in love with Moira, too!"

Brock: "Dude, that makes no sense."

Tune in next time!

Pat

5-17-06

The time has come again... presented in High Definition email... the longest running, highest-rated email soap opera in the history of email soap operas... "Scandal City" is back!

In the last episode of "Scandal City", we learned that Mike Needer is actually the 1/4 evil, 1/4 handsome, 1/2 percussionist brother of Brock Handsome! Additionally, Mike divulged that he, too, is in love with Brock's scandalist high school sweetheart, Moira Rhinestone. We also learned that Moira Rhinestone is actually the half-evil step-sister-in-law of Brock's current mistress, Candy Smittens.

Brock's confusion has left him in disarray. Should he go back to Moira? Should he pursue his current love interest, the voluptuous Candy Smittens? Should he follow Mike's advice and crawl back to his post-high-school-pre-Candy-Smittens-girl-next-door-love-slave Amy Lightheart? Should he forget women altogether and search for his long lost father, thereby allowing Mike the opportunity to co-mingle with Moira? Should he reverse his plastic surgery so that he no longer looks like Pat Owens? Should I stop rambling?

Tune in as Brock confides in his good friend, Pat Owens. Follow along, if you dare...

Brock: Pat, I don't know what to do anymore! I'm so confused!

Pat: You're confused??? YOU are confused??? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about anymore! Half evil brothers? Half handsome fathers? Long lost love interests? What the hell's wrong with you? It doesn't even make sense! Do you even have a job?

Brock: Well... I was a male model up until all this stuff started, but now I haven't been to work in a couple of weeks...

Pat: Okay, stop right there. First thing- get a job. You've got way too much free time.

Brock: Perhaps I could beg for Amy's forgiveness...

Pat: Are you even listening? Do you still want my advice? Forget Amy. Forget Candy. Forget Moira. Forget your Dad. Forget Mike. Get a job. That's my advice.

Brock: Maybe Candy would still have me back...

Pat: Shut your mouth and open your ears. Get a job.

Brock: But Moira's always been there for me...

Pat: Does Moira have a job?

Brock: Yes.

Pat: Does Amy have a job?

Brock: Yes.

Pat: Does Candy have a job?

Brock: Yes.

Pat: If your father wasn't long-lost, would he have a job?

Brock: Probably.

Pat: What's that tell you?

Brock: I should look for my father?

Pat: NO - GET A JOB!

Brock: I'm so confused!

Pat: You're telling ME...

Brock: What do I do? Help me!

Pat: Brock, concentrate please. You're not even listening. You've got to be the dumbest guy I've ever met... and let me be honest... ever since your plastic surgery, you can pretty much forget about being a male model. I think I've got a solution for you... (*wink*)

Live Music: * Thu. 5/18 - Pat & Mike at Tirnanog (corner of Pratt and Light St.) at 9pm * Fri. 5/19 - Mike & Rod at The Bull on the Beach (Bel Air) at 9:30pm * Tues. 5/23 - Pat & Mike at Brannan's (Baltimore) at 6:30pm

DJ: * Thu. 5/18 - DJ Double A at Jimmy Ray'z (Eldersburg) at 8pm * Fri. 5/19 - DJ Kenny Z at Dellis' (White Marsh) at 10pm * Sat. 5/20 - DJ Steve at JB's (Edgemere) at 9pm Karaoke: * Wed. 5/17 - DJ Blue at Whispers (Glen Burnie) at 8:30pm

Brock, you need to relax. Forget about all of your troubles and go see The Solution.

Brock: Yeah! And maybe I could ask Candy to go with me... or maybe Amy... or maybe Moira...

Pat: Oh, please. Moira would never go to one of my shows. She's been bitter at me ever since I beat her at that easter egg breaking contest...

*** Sorry folks, but I had to use my artistic license and public email distribution for an inside joke. My apologies. ***

Brock: You're probably right. Maybe I'll just go alone.

Pat: That's probably best.

Brock: And who knows? Maybe I'll meet a woman at the bar!

Pat: Please... someone stop me from hurting this man.

Tune in next time!

11-15-06

The time has come again... presented in High Definition email... the longest running, highest-rated email soap opera in the history of email soap operas...

"Scandal City" is back!

I know it's been a couple months... let me refresh your memory on where we left off. Here's a run-down of the characters and their dilemmas:

*Brock Handsome - Our main character... he's currently caught in a love square with Amy Lightheart, Candy Smittens and Moira Rhinestone. He also discovered that he is the 1/4 evil, 1/4 handsome, 1/2 percussionist brother of Mike Needer. He recently underwent plastic surgery in order to look like his friend, Pat Owens, which caused a drastic and immediate reduction in his handsome-ness. Brock is confused as to whether he should stay with Candy Smittens, go back to Amy Lightheart, pursue Moira Rhinestone, forget women altogether and search for his long-lost father or just keep things as they are and concentrate on finding a job per the advice of Pat.

*Amy Lightheart - the girl next door and former love-slave of Brock Handsome.

*Candy Smittens - the voluptuous, current love interest of Brock Handsome.

*Moira Rhinestone - the 1/2 evil step-sister-in-law of Brock's current love interest, Candy Smittens and former high school sweetheart of Brock Handsome.

*Mike Needer - the 1/4 evil, 1/4 handsome, 1/2 percussionist brother of Brock Handsome. He is currently in love with Moira Rhinestone.

*Pat Owens - the idiot with the over-active imagination who is making all this crap up.

Let's see how the story unfolds when Brock is confronted by the mischievous Moira Rhinestone...

Moira: Brock, I can't wait any longer for your decision. Who's it gonna be? Me, Amy, or Candy?

Brock: Well, actually Moira, I was thinking of avoiding the situation entirely by simply leaving town in search of my long-lost father.

Moira: You're going to leave town? NOW? Just before the holidays? When will you be back? You know darn well that every year I have a Christmas Day family-gathering at my house! It would mean a lot if you were there to join me in a glass of very expensive wine...

Brock: Enough Moira! I can't take the confusion anymore! Everyone's pulling me in a hundred different directions and I don't know what to do?! However, while looking into your eyes (and staring at your boobs) I've come to realize that you are definitely the girl for me! I'll break things off with Amy and Candy... and I'll reverse my plastic surgery so that I won't look like Pat Owens anymore... and I'll get a real job and quit the pursuit of a male-modeling career... but you must promise to travel around the world with me until I find my long-lost father!

Moira: Hmmm... let me think about it while I read you the upcoming schedule for The Solution! Subtlety is not my strong point...

Live Music

*Thursday November 16 - Mike & Rod at Kelsey's Pub in Ellicott City - 10:00 *Friday November 17 - Mike, Pat & Dan at Kelsey's Pub in Ellicott City - 10:00 (OLD SCHOOL Show) *Saturday November 18 - Mike, Pat & Dan at Coakley's Pub in Havre de Grace-10:00 (OLD SCHOOL Show) *Sunday November 19 - Pat at Leadbetters in Fells Point - 9:30

DJ Shows

*Saturday November 18 - DJ Bob at JB's in Edgemere - 9:00 *Saturday November 18 - DJ Josh at Dock of the Bay in Millers Island - 9:00 *Saturday November 18 - DJ Kenny Z at 18th Annual "Burn Out" in Dundalk - 6:00 *Sunday November 19 - DJ Blue hosts a 50th Wedding Anniversary at Squire's Italian Restaurant - 1:00 *Sunday November 19 - DJ Double A hosts a 60th Birthday Party at the Battle Grove Democratic Club Hall - 1:00

Karaoke Shows

*Wednesday November 15 - DJ Double A at Whispers in Glen Burnie - 8:30 *Friday November 17 - DJ Rye at Dock of the Bay in Millers Island - 9:00 *Saturday November 18 - DJ Double A at Brannan's Pub in Hamilton - 9:00

Moira (speaking out-loud to herself, as if she were a crazy woman): I don't know what to do?! Should I travel the world with Brock or stay here and give-in to the daunting love temptations of his 1/4 evil, 1/4 handsome, 1/2 percussionist brother Mike Needer?

Brock: Well, my plane leaves in an hour. Not to be rude... but how long is this gonna take?

Moira: I'm not sure... but just to be safe, we had better cancel the Christmas gathering.

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion!

Pat

11-24-06

"Scandal City" continues...

When we left off, Moira Rhinestone faced a perilous dilemma! Will she decide to travel the world with Brock Handsome in search of his long-lost father, or will she risk losing Brock forever to stay home and host her Annual Christmas Day Family Gathering?

And now... our stunning conclusion to this week's episode of "Scandal City"...

Moira: Brock, I don't know what to do?!

Brock: Moira, if you come with me then I promise to break off all ties with Amy Lightheart and Candy Smittens... and reverse my plastic surgery so that I won't look like Pat Owens anymore... and I'll get a real job and quit the pursuit of a male-modeling career... what else can I offer?

Moira: Well... Honestly, I'd feel a little better if you could tell me where The Solution will be this weekend!

Brock: That makes no sense, but okay...

Live Music

*Saturday November 25 - OLD SCHOOL at Brannan's Pub 9:00

DJ Shows

*Saturday November 25 - DJ Jumpin' Josh at Dock of the Bay 9:00 *Saturday November 25 - DJ Steve at JB's 9:00

Karaoke Shows

*Friday November 24 - DJ Double A at Dock of the Bay 9:00 *Saturday November 25 - DJ Double A at Jimmy O'Donnell's Pub 9:00

Brock: Happy now?! You've got your precious Solution Schedule! What else do you want from me?! Please - travel the world with me! I love you!

Moira: Okay Brock. I'll cancel my Christmas Day gathering and travel with you in search of your long-lost father... on one condition... You have to let me bring OUR CHILD!!! That's right, Brock! We have a child together that you never knew about!!!

Brock: Oh, come on now. This is just getting ridiculous.

Tune in next time!

Pat

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