yahtzee mcclannahan news bulletins

These are real-life actual news bulletins by fake reporter Yahtzee McClannahan. Really. Honestly.

...THIS IS A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN...

Hi folks, this is Yahtzee McClannahan reporting live from the WJEF Hot Radio News Station - the station that reaches the beaches, rules the pools, rocks the docks and puts motion in the ocean! By the way, folks, DO NOT adjust your computer monitors. I REALLY AM this handsome, even through email.

And now for today's top story: For the first time in history, 2 TV Antennas were joined forever in wedlock. Reports say that the wedding was nice... but the RECEPTION was beautiful!

Sorry, folks, I don't write 'em.

Also in the news: Last night a gorilla miraculously escaped the Baltimore Zoo. The gorilla then hijacked a car, filled it with gas and drove to D.C. where he flashed a fake ID and was allowed to enter Georgetown University. While hiding out in the student lab, the gorilla discovered the cure for cancer as well as a special formula to increase human life spans by 25%. The gorilla was finally captured earlier this morning. He was found sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, drinking a Starbucks Coffee and reading The Washington Post.

When the gorilla was asked about his overnight escape, he said...

nothing you idiots. What'd you expect? He's just a gorilla.

In our next story: The critically-acclaimed local acoustic rock-spectacle "The Solution" has just announced their "First Ever Band Showcase / CD Release Party" on Sunday, May 1st. Your attendance would be greatly appreciated! There will be drink specials, giveaways, Pat's new CD for sale, t-shirts, six bands, 100 local bar owners and good-times galore. Visit "www.thesolutionrocks.com/live/showcase" for more information.

The Solution also has the following events coming up this week:

Live Music -
* Rod and Mike at The Stone Cellar on Thursday, 10:30pm
* Pat and Mike at McGregor's on Saturday, 9pm
* Pat's solo at Leadbetters on Sunday, 9:30pm

DJ/Karaoke -
* DJ Kenny Z at The Judge's Bench on Thursday, 8pm
* DJ Steve at Dellis' on Friday, 10pm
* DJ Kenny Z at Brannan's Pub on Saturday, 9pm

For our last story: A recent study by NASA discovered that reading pointless Solution emails can lead to a decay of brain cells, ultimately resulting in bblluurrryy vviissiioonn aanndd ddiizzziinneesss,, aanndd ffiinnaallyy tthhee iinnaabbiilliittyy ttoo rreeaadd aannyytthhiinngg aatt aall.

Until next time, this is Yahtzee McClannahan - signing off. Stay classy, Baltimore.

...AND NOW... A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN... BY BALTIMORE'S FAVORITE REPORTER IN THE FIELD... YAHTZEE MCCLANNAHAN...

Good Afternoon everyone, you all look magnificent! This is Yahtzee McClannahan, reporting live from WJEF Studios in beatiful downtown Baltimore, with today's top stories:

Early this morning an empty cargo van, carrying no one, traveling at over 100mph, on it's own, with no assistance, barrelled into a 7-passenger mini-van without any passengers or drivers. Fortunately, there were no casualties... but unfortunately, there were no survivors.

I'm not even sure if I understand what I just said.

Our next story involves a 90-year old woman named Margaret McClannahan from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Unfortunately, she's not doing very well. I don't want to get into the gruesome details, but I'll just give you a word of advice: If you're 90 years old, and you're hanging out at a biker bar and the locals are encouraging you to drink shots while doing a split on top of the jukebox and wearing nothing but a motorcycle helmet with a sticker that reads "Hell Raiser", please remember that you're 90 years old and you should be back at home knitting something for your grandchild.

(Damn you grandma, why must you embarrass me every chance you get?!)

And finally in today's news- America's hottest, most controversial 2-piece acoustic act is coming to your town! That's right fans, The Solution is here to win your hearts with their comedic banter and undeniable sex appeal! Check them out this weekend-

Live Music:
* Wednesday - If you're in O.C... catch Mike with The Beach Bumz at The Greene Turtle at 9pm
* Thursday - Mike & Rod at The Bull on the Beach in Bel Air at 9pm
* Saturday - Pat & Mike at Kelsey's in Catonsville at 10pm
* Sunday - Mike's with The Beach Bumz at The Hard Rock Cafe in Baltimore at 2pm
* Tuesday - Catch Mike & Pat at Brannan's in Baltimore at 6:30pm

DJ/Karaoke:
* Wednesday - DJ Kenny Z at Mo & Trish's Place: 9pm
* Friday - DJ Kenny Z at Dellis': 10pm
* Saturday - G.L. Shack's: 9pm
* Sunday - DJ Blue at Mo & Trish's Place: 7pm

That's enough talking for me. Stay classy Baltimore

YM

***This special Solution news bulletin is brought to you (once again) by TV news reporter and international superstar Yahtzee McClannahan***

Hello, folks. This is Yahtzee McClannahan, reporting live with your weekly Solution Update.

This past week it was my honor and privilege to sit down and watch this energetic, dynamic duo while they played a show in Baltimore. Now it is clear to me why critics everywhere agree that these two handsome, intelligent and profound young men are well on their way to paving the road of musical ingenuity. Of course, as with any paving you embark upon, you will undoubtedly encounter bumps along the way. Such is the case with The Solution.

Mike and Pat have overcome countless obstacles over the years, and as a result, can now glow in the light of musical genius and prosperity. They have faced angry owners, empty bars, equipment malfunctions and early-afternoon hangovers. Yet through it all, they have shown courage and determination as they climbed their way to the top of the Baltimore music scene.

Of course, little has changed. They still face angry owners, empty bars and equipment malfunctions. However, the early-afternoon hangovers are now handled with an undying will to practice drinking and a quick stop to 7-11. I encourage each and every one of you to stop what you're doing this week and attend a Solution show!

Live Music:
Wed. 8/3: Pat's solo at Leadbetters in Fells Point at 9:30pm
Sat. 8/6: Pat & Mike are at MacGregor's in Havre de Grace at 9pm
Sun. 8/7: Pat & Mike are at The Padonia Swim Club in Timonium at 1pm

DJ/Karaoke:
Fri. 8/5: Kenny Z is at Dellis' in White Marsh at 10pm
Sat. 8/6: Check out G.L. Shack's in Catonsville at 9pm

Have a great week, and for everyone here with the Channel 9 News Team, this is Yahtzee McClannahan signing off...

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